Lately I've been feeling "intellectually inadequate'(?), like I'm stupid. For the past couple of weeks I attempted to start Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon. Thirteen pages in and dread washed over me. I had no idea what I was reading. I could vaguely grasp the contours of what was being described, but I never completely understood it. I must be stupid, I thought. Multiple methods were tried: going on literature forums, trying to read equally frustrating reviews, listening to podcasts about the book; none of these helped me in the slightest. So it's to my dismay that I have to give up on Pynchon until I'm a little bit smarter.
It's my understanding that Pynchon is an author whose works you read when you around fifteen years old. Sadly, when I was fifteen, I had entirely given up on reading anything. It was a lot more fun to play Minecraft or watch a subpar romance anime. Now that I'm twenty, I've been playing a game of catch-up. Many years of potential learning were squandered with video games and lore videos of game I never played.
I had read before in elementary school. I don't remember whihc grades because most of the years in my past coalesce into a blurry singularity. It was mostly Rick Riordan books, or a required reading of something like Oliver Twist. Now that I'm older and I realize that literature extends past Greek mythology or stories about boyhood, I feel overwhelmed by all the "stuff" that's out there, and I'm even more overwhelmed with the fact that I have no clue how to parse whether all that "stuff" is good or not. I know people who read close to 50 books a year. . . how?
I guess this insecurity I harbor stems from my desire, my envy, to become a reader: a person who reads "stuff," good "stuff," and has an expansive knowledge of the English language to not only understand, but materialize that understanding through articulation, or writing. I guess I also want to become a writer.
yeah yeah, wrap it up
I have to sed all these things from my mind though. I shouldn't want to become something, because being something is all about becoming? God, shut up. Other news: they banned the illegal streaming site I used to watch NBA games so I've been pondering buying the League Pass. I think Jalen Green is starting to hit his stride, though we did have a bit of a stinging loss to the Pacers the other day. I didn't watch it, but Instagram comment sections did have a lot to say about it, and the box score told a story that matched the cries of the mob. Sad that Sengun got snubbed for the All-Star voting.
"Ain't that great to be wanted?" - pharmaceutical rep during lunch today